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Martufo’s Contribution to LEARNING May 13, 2010

Filed under: Science — martufocontributes @ 2:34 PM
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Dear World,

First and foremost, I must thank Kori and Amanda Learns to provide such a widely read and highly regarded platform of learning so that I may share my truth bombs.

Friends, let’s be real: Vitamins are dangerous and can make you sick and maybe even die (!)

 My crusade against vitamin poisoning (also known as hypervitaminminea) goes back to this cautionary tale of a Young Martufo who loved learning and her imaginary horses almost as much as her Flintstone vitamins. Delicious and candy flavored, Young Martufo enjoyed a handful of Dinos, Wilmas and Bettys as an afterschool treat. Young Martufo’s mother, the Extremely Patient Upbringer of Young Martufo, discovered this mass ingestion of HanaBarbara characters with great fear. As a victim to the alleged ‘health movement’, Martufo’s Extemely Patient Mother had purchased these delicious health supplements in anticipation of a metered and supervised administration. She did not anticipate Young Martufo’s helper monkey-like dexterity and ability to climb counters and manipulate the child-safe cap. After admonishment and a healthy dose of education of the dangers of vitamin poisoning, Young Martufo was drawn to, nay, charged with the crusade against hypervitaminminea (or hypervitaminosis if you want the proper but less fun name of the diagnosis).

Try not to fall victim to the siren's call of "health" "supplements"

I am relieved to claim that my crusade has been successful and it is only because of me (pretty much) that there are usually no vitamin poisoning related deaths every year. In fact, there are more deaths related to ingesting laundry products than vitamin abuse (probably because Young Martufo’s Extremely Patient Mother placed said laundry products out of helper monkey reach was Young Martufo able to avoid this perilous fate… thanks, Mom!).

Victoriously, and with the proper amount of humility, I’m here to remind you, world, don’t mess up my perfect record. Don’t be a Young Martufo. I suggest healthy afterschool snacks such as apples or even Dunkaroos, because childhood obesity is decidedly preferable to nerve damage (caused by assorted vitamins B), yellowed and unattractive skin (vitamin A…you’ll never beat my father’s record of 11 girlfriends with skin like that) or digestive issues (vitamin C …also: ew).

Hypervitaminminea… it’s real. Just ask Amanda Learns! She took a seemingly harmless multi-vitamin and had a headache… a HEADACHE. Can you IMAGINE if she took the vitamin for another day?! She’d be dead! Well…hopefully not but you can never tell in the world of vitamins when danger is lurking around every metaphorical and proverbial corner. Crusade on!

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